Don't Wanna Be a Fat Man
I recently had the misfortune (good fortune?) of seeing some pictures of myself. Now, I’m not disfigured or bald, though maternal genes tell me that I have the baldness to look forward to also, but I have packed on a good-sized 10 year old to carry around with me. How? No spectacular eating of fatty (delicious) foods. I haven’t had many steaks, no lobster, no pate, not much beer or liquor, not much cake and ice cream…so how? It must be I.R.I.(Internets Related Inactivity). A friend of mine has called his incipient jowls a “neckfurter”. If this is so, I have a “neck loin” going, like a trapdoor opened under my chin and let out its airbag. This must end. I have to seek out the sweat.So, how? Walking, biking, or running where I live, in the sub-tropics, is out. I have a gym membership, so that’s probably my best option. Let me say that my slide into the world of elastic waistbands, and guayaberra shirts (never tucked in) was preceded by any number of reclamation projects. I have belonged to a gym for 10 plus years, and most of that 10 years, I utilized their services. This last year or so has been my undoing, so I have to recreate good habits and ruts…er I mean routines
First, what clothes can I wear? I have sneakers and I can probably borrow some of my socks back from my teenage son. Shorts? Fortunately, baggy has been in style for awhile, so I can limit the exposure of my “fishbelly white” legs. Now, for the tough part-a shirt. I have a great collection of t-shirts from over the years. Unfortunately, getting the shirt to fit over my stomach is key. Raising your arms over your head happens at the gym, so to avoid the dual risk of blubber and/or butt cleavage exposure, the shirt has to reach over the belly and stay put. I’m good with XXL, but in combination with the baggy shorts, I looked like a grizzled hip hop wannabe, a guy whose luggage has been lost, or a gangster waiting at Jimmy’s for Mr. Wolf to arrive with the solution.
Now, for gym “virgins”, if you’ve never gone, and need to, but are worried about the exposure of your lameness to the world: stop worrying! No one is looking at you! These places are usually 360 degrees of mirrors, for two reasons. First, so that people can check themselves out, frankly and honestly. This is the prime objective of most of the folks packing the gym and its equipment. “Me!” How do I look doing this? Or that? Second, people are checking out the hotness of members of the opposite sex, either through frank and direct appraisal, or via the stealth method of looking at the mirrored-images. Given the number of mirrors, its possible to be extremely sneaky about this. Caution: eye contact can still be made after multiple refractions. Don’t stare if you don’t want stare -back. So, if you are worried that your current condition will draw attention, don’t . Remember, people are looking at themselves, and hot people, not looking for people to deride.
That said, if you are wearing something really horrifying, or you fall off a piece of equipment, or you make loud exertion noises, people will look at you. Briefly, and then go back to their prime objectives. One other disclaimer; the freelance trainers that are in a lot of gyms will look at you, and the more out of shape you are, the more likely they will sidle up to you, offering their services. This could mean a few things: you are hot or you look like you really need help. You choose. I have never had the kind of money to pay these folks $50-$100 an hour, but if you need help establishing a routine, they can be helpful.
to be continued ...